I Don’t Drink Coffee

Sorry I was so quiet last week. To be honest, it was a really tough week and I was having trouble sleeping and waking up early was not happening.

I don’t need to share all the gory details, but there are a lot of people in my life suffering with illness, struggling with elderly parents, and some with unthinkable tragedies happening and it seems like it’s all hitting me at once.

I do realize that other people’s problems aren’t really my problems, but when I care about someone and they are hurting, I hurt too. I’m an empathetic person who also has anxiety. It’s just how it is.

I can’t stop thinking of what my friends and family are going through. I can help worrying about everyone. All of this takes a toll on me mentally and physically.

So today is Monday once again. I haven’t worked out in almost two weeks. I’m planning to run with my group at least twice this week… so we will see if I can manage to put together anything more than that. At this point I’m taking life day by day as much as I can. Being chronically exhausted isn’t helping my fitness goals.

But all this has also lead to me neglecting this space for a few days, and that needs to end. I need this outlet for my own sanity. So I’ll work on getting my crap together again.

It’s time to get ready for work. I’m not mentally ready, but that really doesn’t matter, does it? For some reason I have to have the kinds of jobs that start at a certain time, no matter what I think of it some days!

Time to find some caffeine. I’m all out, but I think it’s going to be a green tea at work kind of day. Let’s hope those tea bags are stocked up!

Back To Reality

I had the last 9 days off work with my husband. We got a lot done around the house, visited my Aunt and Uncle, relaxed a bit and attended a wedding. Overall not bad for us and the weather was amazing!

But today it’s back to reality for both of us. Yippee!

Truthfully, we both enjoy our work. It’s not all that bad, but just having to go back is always an adjustment.

I only set my alarm one time in nine days. That was because I had an appointment at the chiropractor and didn’t want to miss it. It still was later than I usually set any alarm.

Today my alarms started going off early once again. I didn’t listen to them for a while, but still…. they were there.

I didn’t sleep well last night, probably because I was worried I wouldn’t get up in time, but it’s also no shock to me as sleep can be elusive for many reasons these days. I’m sure after getting lots of sleep last week I will be fine for one day.

After a nice vacation, are you happy to get back to reality? I guess I’m pretty normal that I would love to stay on vacation for the rest of my life, but in order to pay all those bills to keep me in a nice home and having stuff like food I suppose it’s back to work!

And that’s OK.

I don’t have to be overjoyed about it though, right???

No, Right??

I know it’s not rational, depression never is, but sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to be depressed when so many people have it worse than me.

I mean, I have a family and lots of friends who love me. I have a husband who has stood by me and supported me for 28 years. I have jobs that make me feel needed and cared for. I have a roof over my head and food on my table.

What right do I have to be depressed?

Well, it doesn’t work like that. If you suffer from it, you know it doesn’t work like that one little bit.

Depression is an internal struggle with your own brain. It’s not rational. It does not make sense. It makes you feel like you are the most unworthy person in the world.

Just so you know, I’m not suicidal. I want you all to understand that you don’t need to come and make sure I’m still here. I plan to fight this with every fiber of my being! I have felt good before and I want to — and I will — get there again!

I say this very seriously, because there are many people out there feeling like dying is the only answer, but at this time that is NOT where I am. If I was I would be on the phone or walking into a clinic or hospital because I do not want to die.

**** If you are feeling that overwhelming urge to end your life, I beg you to pick up the phone and call someone. If you don’t have a friend or family member nearby, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 right now. I’m completely serious… I don’t want anyone to think the only way out of what you’re feeling is to end it all. Please, I beg you to give them the opportunity to help you!


Ok, so we are clear, I am personally not suicidal, so I don’t want anyone to think that. I’ve been there before, but that is not where I am today.

I’m going to be totally honest in that it took me several days to finish this post. I’ve been on vacation, so I’m sure I could blame it on that, but that’s not the reason. It took me so long because this is HARD crap to talk about.

But I know as well as you that there are MILLIONS of us out there doing the best we can each and every day but we are depressed.

Depression doesn’t always look like what you think it does in the movies. It doesn’t always look like she hasn’t showered in three days or eaten or cleaned in at least as many. Sometimes, sure it does, but not always.

Sometimes it looks like I tried and I put makeup on and I went to work and I put my paycheck in the bank and I even socialized for a while today. That doesn’t mean I’m less depressed, it just means I functioned today. Which some days makes me feel worse because I was able to fake it once again.

Sometimes I feel like I just have no right to be depressed. But I am and I can’t change who I am. I can, however, make improvements in my life and seek out some help when I need it.

I’m a person suffering with depression, but I won’t let it control me. I won’t let it take over my life and take away all of my happiness.

No matter what may trigger your depression, know that it’s OK to feel how you feel. Just don’t let it take over your life! Don’t let that feeling be the one and only! Seek out some help, enlist your friends and family, but TALK about it!

You have every right to feel how you feel. You don’t have the obligation to feel that way forever! Depression is just one facet to my personality. It makes me who I am, but it doesn’t have to control me. Be you, but be your best you. I’m working on that every single day.

Let’s battle this sucker together.

My Daily Struggle

A lot of people in my life may not even realize what I struggle with every day. I know my husband doesn’t get it, even though he got a really good dose of it the other day.

I manage my anxiety and depression pretty well most of the time. I love to help others because it makes me happy. I have people in my life who keep me busy and moving which also helps.

This week I’m on vacation with my hubby and we have lots of projects to keep us busy, but for some reason my symptoms are on high alert. It’s been a rough week and it’s only half done. But I won’t give up on it. I’m ready to have some fun.

I had a full blown panic attack the other day. I don’t need to go into what brought it on, truly it’s all such petty stuff that it’s embarrassing, but that’s what anxiety does sometimes. It takes a piece of nothing and blows it into a full blown volcano of emotion.

I’m telling you all this because as embarrassing as it is sometimes, I just feel like it’s important that people understand that ANYONE can suffer from mental illness. I’m someone who thinks she can handle things and does so pretty well most of the time. Then something happens and triggers my anxiety and BANG! I’m a basket case. I know it’s probably past time that I need to find a new psychologist or whatever, but that’s never a fun process.

I had seen someone in the past, but haven’t been for a while. I’ve been handling my symptoms for years, but with all the medical issues and menopause crap I’m dealing with, it’s really no wonder I’m feeling like falling apart at times.

Dealing with these issues instead of hiding them is really the point of this post. I’ve told my doctor that my depression is pretty bad, but until the other night I didn’t realize how much my anxiety was bothering me. I had a panic attack like I’ve never had before and it’s still effecting me a few days later.

I’m not embarrassed that it happened, I want you to understand that. I’m not ashamed to say I have this problem. It’s part of me. It’s who I am. Sure, there are times when it really messes with my life. I’d love to turn it off, but it doesn’t work like that.

Even when it’s managed, I will always have it. I get that. I’d just like to not repeat that particular episode anytime soon. Or ever. That would be good.

I need to go get my workout done. I need to get in a good mood today. I need to help my husband finish the projects so we can enjoy the remaining few days of our vacation.

Honestly, all of that just gives me anxiety.

I want to just stay in bed and hide from the world.

What could possibly go wrong with that???

My anxiety already answered me….

It’s a Trap

Today is a pretty special day in my family. My niece turns 19 today! But I have this advice for her and the rest of the kiddos…. don’t grow up, it’s a trap!

Of course, I’m sort of kidding. She’s an amazing young woman with a lot of amazing things in her future. I’m completely sure of that. She’s a student at the University of Michigan, where her mother (my sister) also attended. She’s studying things like biology, chemistry, calculus…. things that are WAY over my head!

She’s going to be helping with research starting next semester which is what she’s hoping to do for a career, so I’m excited for her that she will get some experience this early in her studies.

While I’m sure there is nothing she can’t do, I also want to warn her and others her age that getting old isn’t always pretty! It’s not all fun and games, that’s for sure!

Sure, there are freedoms we can enjoy when we are adults. But there are also things like bills, jobs, mortgages, car payments… stuff that is truly not very glamorous. My advice to most kids is to enjoy their youth!

I know Emily is going to be just fine. She’s not only brilliant, she’s funny, kind, generous, and beautiful. She’s got great friends, a cute boyfriend and a family who supports her no matter what. She’s also got a great work ethic. This is her fourth summer at the same job and her straight A’s came to her because of her own drive, nobody pushed her… she did that all on her own!

But what I wouldn’t give to help her enjoy a few more years of being a kid. I feel that way for my kids too, who also are growing up way too fast.

I wouldn’t go back to being in high school for anything… those years weren’t easy for me. But being an adult is hard. So when I see kids trying to grow up too fast this is the best advice I can give them….

Don’t grow up. It’s a trap!

You Are Significant

Each of us has a worth that is more than we think. I didn’t used to think this way, but as I get older I see value in so many different ways!

I have a friend from my running group who has this amazing job where she helps coach young boys to run, but it’s so much more than that. She teaches them that they are worth more than they can imagine. That they can accomplish more than they thought they could. It’s inspiring!

Part of her program is coaching the boys to run a 5k. Since it’s the end of the school year, it’s time to round them up and run that race! She was asking our group for some volunteers to help out and either run with the kids or just help in some way, so tomorrow morning I’m joining in the fun!

I don’t often get a chance to help out in this type of way, but I think it’s important to help when we can. Helping kids believe in themselves and reach a goal is a pretty awesome thing to do on a Saturday morning!

We have significance in so many other ways too. Our family and friends can attest to that, but finding ways we can be valuable members of our community is definitely important.

Donating time is in some ways more important than any amount of money or material goods, in my opinion. Sure, financial donations are needed for so many amazing causes, but donating an hour of your time now and then can make such a difference in the life of some kids.

The children are our future, after all!

So, stay tuned for my adventures. I’m hoping I can get at least a picture or two, but at least I can tell you about it once it’s over!

Oh, and I’ll be on vacation after today! Hubby and I are taking a week off from work to spend time together, get some projects done around the house and just relax!

You are capable of amazing things. Don’t ever forget that! Take a chance and try something new! You never know how amazing you can make others feel until you try!

Everything Hurts

Day four of my program and I’m reminded of two things:

  1. I’m really out of shape.
  2. This won’t last forever!

For real, every program I’ve ever done has made me sore as it concentrated on muscles I’d been neglecting. This is no different except that I’ve been neglecting EVERYTHING!

So I know I just need to keep going which is my plan. I just need to do the work and not give up on myself. I can do this!

I think anytime you make a change in your life there’s a little bit of discomfort. For this one I feel it in my muscles, but sometimes it’s evident in other parts of your life. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re dying!

Right now with my son off at school it’s a discomfort. I don’t see him on a regular basis. I miss him and of course a mom worries. But I know it will have a big pay off at the end! Life is changing for him and our whole family, but this discomfort will lead to some amazing things, so it’s best to push through.

My goal of running the 907 miles from Michigan to South Carolina is pretty much on the back burner right now. Not being able to run for over a month means I won’t likely make it all the way there, but that’s OK. I’m going to keep my mapping going and see where I end up anyway!

There’s always next year!

I’m not going to let a setback throw me completely off the rails. I just need to adjust my focus and go for it.

That’s one of the reasons I chose Focus T25 to start over with. Number one, it’s by Shaun T who I adore…. number two, it’s 25 minutes a day which I can fit in… number three, it’s all about focus.

There’s no reason anyone can’t make a change in their life, in their health, in their fitness. Some people like to go all in at once an change their daily schedule to add in gym time while also changing every eating habit they have. That’s not me. I’m a baby step kind of person.

This discomfort is going to lead to some amazing things. I know this. I can feel it already! I just need to keep going and that’s exactly what I plan to do.

When I went for my run on Tuesday with my group I got to talk to a young lady who describes herself as a sporadic runner. She was liking the pace I set for myself so we ran together. I did need a couple of walk breaks because I’m just that out of shape but you know what? She walked with me because she loved that I was not being hard on myself about where I was in my ability!

Sometimes we need grace in how we talk to ourselves! That’s where I’m at right now. Yes, I need to work hard and do my best, but it’s about MY best…. not yours. You have to find your best! The more we do that, the better we all will get!

It hurts now, but one day it’ll be your warm up. No matter what new muscles we use today, they will get stronger as long as we keep using them and stop letting fear or laziness get in the way!

Let’s do this!