Glorious Mess

I’ve been thinking about what to write for two days.  Truthfully, I’m absorbing so much from the book I’m reading that I haven’t processed enough of it to make a post that makes any sense yet.  Yes, I’m a mess.

I’m quite often a mess.  My emotions are all over the place on a regular basis.  I honestly don’t know how my husband even puts up with me sometimes.  I even get sick of myself when I get really emotional, but I’m learning to embrace who and what I am.  It’s not all a bad thing.

My mom said something to me the other day that I’ve been mulling over and over and it’s still a little unsettling to me.  The thing is, it was a really nice thing for her to say… I just didn’t feel worthy of the thing.

She said I was a good daughter.

What?  Why does that feel like a compliment I can’t accept?  That should give me the warm fuzzies, right?  Well, yeah, but I have been sort of a mess since she said it.

You see, ever since I can remember, I’ve been a “I can do it myself” kind of girl.  I moved away and went to college and never really looked back.  I’m not the girl who calls her mom on a regular basis.  Heck, I’ve gone MONTHS without even calling… and we live less than 30 minutes away from each other.

We don’t see each other on any sort of regular basis.  I’ve felt like the most awful daughter for most of my adult life.  Don’t get me started on my teen years… I was a train wreck!  I’ve yelled at her, told her she was stupid for staying with my step dad after he was completely awful to her and my sister (and me, but I was out of the house by this time) and basically I’ve written her off at times as a helpless case of co-dependency.

Basically, I’ve been the worst daughter ever.  At least in my mind.

But apparently she doesn’t see what I see.  And I’m so thankful for that.

I won’t go into specifics for his privacy, but my step dad has been going through a lot lately and so has Mom.  I’ve tried to be there as much as I can, checking in on the phone often when I can’t be there in person.  I know it’s important because I only have them, my dad passed away 22 years ago.  They are all I have and if they need me, I need to be there.

So I called the other night.  It had been just a couple of days, so I was checking in.  We had a nice chat, and then she told me those words.  “You’re such a good daughter.”  So simple, and held so much meaning and overwhelming emotion, I’m sure she had no idea.

I see myself as a mess.  I know I am.  I’m actually ok with it, because it makes me who I am.  I’m also learning to take a compliment when it comes.  It’s hard for me, but I’m learning.

What are you learning about yourself?  Have you been paying attention?  Working through some issues?  I think working through stuff and learning more about who you are and how you can be your best is exactly what we need to do to be healthy and happy in every aspect of our lives.

I’ll never give up being my best self.  I’m still a mess.  I’m a glorious mess.  But apparently, I’m a good daughter.  That means the world to me!

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