Worry

Yup.  That’s my issue today.  I’m really worried about my son.  I think every parent worries about their kids, but as you know a bit about why I might worry this week in particular, I’ll bet you can guess why it’s bothering me so much.

I haven’t spoken to him in over 36 hours at this moment.  He won’t answer my texts.  He’s ignoring his responsibilities.

I’m heartbroken and terrified that this is tearing our family apart.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I’m worried about his safety, his future, everything.

I’m worried what this is doing to my husband.  He’s on the road trucking every week, so he’s not here to help, to be present in the house.  Sure, we talk every single day, several times a day, but he can’t fix this…. the stress takes it’s toll on him too.

So, I’m struggling with worry.  More than just your typical wife and mom stuff.  That stuff I can handle.  I’ve been good at that for a while now, lots of practice.  But this is new.

I’m also working through the shame that comes with the situation.  Reading books has been a huge part of my personal development over the past few years, and lately I’m reading about shame.  If you’ve ever dealt with shame (I think everyone has on some level) you should read some books by Dr. Brene Brown…. she’s a shame researcher and a great author who is helping me get in touch with my shame triggers and hopefully helping me deal with it, speak about it, and work through my shame.

I have shame in many areas of my life, but my kids have a part in it as well.  I’m not ashamed of them, but of some of the things they have done.  I’m ashamed that decisions they have made look badly on me as their mother.  I feel shame that I’m ashamed of the consequences.  I’m hard on myself, but I’m afraid other mothers will look down on me for what my kids have done…. and it sucks.

This is why I don’t talk about it. I gloss over the fact that I have two amazing boys.  I don’t talk about the fact that they are horrible students.  That they have been arrested.  That they have spent time in jail.  That my oldest dropped out of high school and got his GED.

Shame is a bitch.  I’m sick and tired of feeling like a bad mother when their choices have gone against EVERYTHING I’ve ever taught them!

Stay away from drugs…. that stuff is bad and will only cause you trouble.

Stay in school… you’ll need an education so you can have a wonderful life for your future.

Be a good human being…. being a good friend, a good consumer, following the laws… that all makes you a good person with something to contribute.

These are the lessons I’ve taught my kids.  These are the lessons they have ignored.

So I wonder where I went wrong.  What more could I have done?  I’ll never know the answer…  I don’t believe that I’m a bad mom, but it feels that way.  The shame is there.  So is the worry.

I want my kid back.  I want him under my roof.  I want him to finish school and work on his future.  Until that happens… I’m trying not to let the worry take away my peace.