Honestly, I’m not so sure some days. But I’m going to give it my all.
Just getting through a day without falling apart is a pretty big feat for me right now. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen or even heard from my kid. Some how I’ve been getting up and going through the motions of my day, but I can tell you that it’s starting to wear me down. I need to find a way to stay strong.
I’ve been told I’m a strong person. Strong-willed was how I was described as a child. I have always been self-sufficient and independent. When it comes to being a mother, that was true as well.
My husband is an awesome dad and partner, but I always have felt like I could do what needed to be done. I don’t often ask for help. It’s just how I am.
But these days I just want to have someone fix this… and yet there’s nothing I can do. Nothing anyone can do to change his mind. To fix our family. I feel like we are broken and I’m wandering around lost looking for my little boy.
I hate this feeling! I think what I hate more is that I’m not able to fix it.
As a mom, we like to fix things. You broke your toy? Let me fix it. You have a boo-boo? Here, let me clean it up and make you feel better. Did someone do something mean to you? Let me hold you and dry your tears.
How do you fix things with a kid who doesn’t want to be fixed? It’s a feeling I’m not familiar with. It’s not a welcome feeling. How do I stay strong?
There is the problem. Staying strong. Strong for what? Strong for who? Why can’t I just be a basket-case?
Because let me tell you, that would be easier. But it still wouldn’t solve the problem.
So I’ll do my best to stay strong. I’ll get up every day and do what needs to be done. I’ll fake it if I have to, and I’ll cry when I need to. I’ll put on a brave front, even when I really don’t want to. I’ll lean on my family and close friends and write it all out for my self-therapy even if nobody reads it.
Concentrating on the current moment. Learning about myself and caring for those in my life who do need me. Trying to find some sunshine in every day. That’s what’s going to help me stay strong.
Are you feeling strong enough to get through the tough times? How do you handle it when things feel out of control? There’s no wrong way except just to give up. You know I won’t do that.
After all, I have a tattoo on my foot that says it all…. never give up.