This is how I’m feeling lately, and to be honest… it kind of sucks.
Actually, it’s how I have felt most of my life. It’s just been intensified since my son left. I have this ability to go on and live my life and basically go through the motions like everything is alright, and then like a wave it hits me and I fall apart.
Yesterday was a tough day like that.
I was blessed with a day with nothing on my calendar. The problem is, I had two things on my calendar that got canceled. The reason they got canceled was that my son left. One was his annual physical, the other was parent teacher conferences. I really wanted to go with him to both of those.
But he won’t talk to me.
So both of the events were deleted from my calendar. And my heart broke a little more.
Sure, I got a lot done. I went shopping for my fall/winter stuff I needed for work. I needed a few things to add to what I already have at home. It’s something I hadn’t had time for until that day, so I spent a rainy afternoon at the mall. But all day all I could think about was that I should have been doing something else.
I should have had my kid in the car. I should have taken him for a meal somewhere. I should have been hearing how healthy he is and how well he’s doing at school.
Instead, I was alone. At the mall. Being alone in a crowd… it’s a place I’m familiar with.
I escaped for a movie for a little while. I numbed myself with carbs. My arms ached for my baby the whole time. Maybe seeing “Storks” wasn’t the best choice…. but it was cute.
Today I intend to be brave and strong once again. But don’t fool yourself. I’m definitely broken.
It’s OK, it’s just the fact of the matter. Life is going on all around me, even in my own world. Some days I can deal with it pretty well. Other days it breaks me.
Nobody tells you how hard it is to parent a child who doesn’t want to be parented. I’d go back to those “terrible two’s” anytime. They weren’t really all that terrible.
It’s time to go and be brave. If you’re struggling with these emotions, let’s just remember to be kind to each other. You really have no idea sometimes what others are going through.
Falling apart doesn’t necessarily mean having mascara dripping down your face. Some of us hide our brokenness pretty darn well. Let’s lift each other up instead.