True Strength

Guys, I’m telling you…. I’m finding out just how strong I am right now.  Because I really want to fall apart.

I want to say “screw it” and just stay in bed all day.  I want to drown my sorrows in junk food and alcohol and not participate in adult-ing.  I want to, but I won’t.

I won’t, because I’m strong.  Stronger than I even knew I was… stronger than I want to be.

I haven’t talked about it for a bit because dwelling on the negative isn’t who I want to be, as a person or a writer or whatever.  But it’s been over two months since I’ve seen or heard from my son.

Two months.  Too long.  I just want to give him a hug, tell him I still love him.  Talk to him about his plans, his future, tell him it’s going to be OK.

No, I’m never going to give up on him, I couldn’t do that.  I’m always going to be his mom.  But it’s hard to rationalize why he’s doing this.  Hard to understand when he won’t even answer my texts.  Hard to understand why he ignores us all.

I want to cry just about every moment of any given day.  I’m just a mention or memory away, usually.  But I hold it together because nobody wants to be around a weepy girl.  I don’t want to fall apart in front of people.  So I stay pretty numb, until someone mentions him.  Someone asks about him.  Then all those feelings come to the surface.

I don’t want people to ignore him either.  I do want people to ask, but the emotions are so raw.  I think they will be until the situation is resolved.  I have no idea how long that will take.  The not knowing is what really bothers me….. I’m a planner.  I don’t like not knowing the plan.

The thing that gets me through is truly just that I want to be strong.  I go through my day and he’s always right there in my mind.  I have his face permanently placed in the front of my brain.  He’s right there with me…. but it’s not really real.  I’m that person who hides how she feels, remember.  So I hide my pain.  I hide how badly I want to just scream and cry and run around like a mad person until I find him and hug him and then slap him for being so mean to us.

I don’t want to be that girl who falls apart.  So I don’t let myself… I stay strong.  I go to work every day.  I take care of myself and whatever else I need to so I can keep it together.

Sure, I have my moments where I’m better off just staying in bed.  I allow myself to do so when the emotions overwhelm me.  But then I pull it together and do what needs to be done.

I’m stronger than I ever realized.

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