Soon, I Hope It’s Soon

I know I’m not the only one who looks at their life and says “what the heck happened?” on occasion.  I’m at that mid-life stage anyway, and I don’t know if I’m having a crisis or just a thing where things just feel like they don’t make sense.  I’m going with that… things just don’t make much sense right now.

I’ve that mantra “never give up” tattooed on my foot for a reason.  I don’t ever want to stop working to be my best self.  There are things I want to accomplish that I don’t ever want to give up on.  My dreams are important, and I know that.  But at this age, it’s easy to look back and miss the times that were so good just a few years ago… to look forward and not know what’s coming and be a little scared.

There are things I would have done differently… if only I’d have known.  But doesn’t everyone feel some of that?  It’s not regret, not really.  I mean, there are small things I regret not doing… but it’s stuff like taking that trip, taking more time with people I’ve since lost… those types of things.  Then there are the “what if’s”.  Those I try not to think about because I could get really caught up in self doubt if I do, and that’s not good for me.

Having all the stress and crap going on just makes all this self-reflection more intense than I would like right now.  When I’m alone I sometimes get caught up in the emotions and just want to check out for a while and not think.  Which makes me think more. It’s a vicious cycle, really.

I don’t wish away the days or years, really I just want to get the most out of life at every stage.  But I think when this stage is over, I’ll be happy I just kept going.  No matter what mistakes I make, how much I sabotage myself in regards to my goals… I just want to keep going.

I want to be happy.  I want to help people.  I want to see some of my dreams come true.  I want to be a good friend and wife and daughter and sister and mom.  I want to see if I can what I can accomplish by putting in a little consistent effort every day.  I want to figure out who the heck I really am…. if that’s even possible.  I want to enjoy as much as I can in this crazy life!


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