I swear, the moment I feel like things are going alright lately… that’s exactly when depression smacks me upside the head.
I know, I know…. I have this smile on my face quite a bit and things really aren’t that bad. I know this. I’m aware that my imperfect life is actually quite amazing. But here’s the thing… depression doesn’t give a crap.
It doesn’t care that my husband is amazing and supportive and loves me with his whole heart. It doesn’t care that I have these fantastic friends who surround me with love and fun times and some pretty cool experiences as often as we can. It doesn’t care about reality at all.
Physically this year has been the worst I’ve had in at least six years. I’m struggling with changes that I really wasn’t prepared to have happen. I don’t know if you can ever prepare yourself to go through things like vitamin deficiency, hormonal changes, teenage rebellion…. and having it all happen at once is more overwhelming than I could have imagined.
These feelings, these thoughts that come unbidden to my mind at the most random times… I almost had a major meltdown on Thanksgiving. I didn’t want to talk about it, but it’s still bothering me almost a week later so apparently I’m not over it yet.
I was just sitting there trying to enjoy my family, but my son was missing. He never called or texted us to say if he was coming or not, so I wasn’t surprised, but it hurt. I wanted to find him, bring him there and make him sit through our family dinner just like the one we have every year. But I couldn’t. I had to sit there and smile and pretend it didn’t hurt.
But it hurt.
I never actually cried or had that meltdown I wanted to have… but I obviously haven’t gotten over it either, and it’s making me crazy.
Life is crazy. I feel pretty crazy right now. I still get up and go to work and I’m trying to get my head into the holidays. I love the holidays, but this year they feel so empty. There’s hope that my funk will pass before too long… I’m trying.
I’m ready to focus on things other than depression, but apparently it isn’t done with me yet. I’m still in the midst of the funk… and I hate it. But I know life is crazy. Getting through all this is going to take more time than I’d like, this is growing more apparent to me each week. Sometimes I think I’m beating it, but then it beats me down again.
I just want to live. I expect ups and downs, that’s part of life. Being down for so long is literally driving me nuts. So I’m going to try each day to refocus, to look for the good, work for my goals.
I’m not going to let this crazy life beat me. No way…. no freaking way that’s going to happen.