Yeah, About That…

I swear this whole self-sabotage thing is wearing me down.

I know darn well how to be healthy, how to have those awesome habits and work hard.  I did it for several years!  But ever since this year started and I have been struggling with my energy levels and medical crap I’ve let things get completely out of control.

Skipping workouts, eating like I don’t care about myself… it’s not like I don’t know what I’m doing.  My mental game is so far off this year.  I’m just not sure how to get it back.

Energy levels come and go and I just don’t know how to get them to come back for good.  It’s likely related to that whole vitamin D thing I’ve been dealing with.  So ready for that to get resolved, but I guess time will tell.

2016 hasn’t been very good to me.  I feel like no matter what I try I can’t get a hold of myself.  Like my daily choices are wrong, I know they are, but I can’t stop myself.

The thing is, I know all this and yet I’m the one doing the choosing.  I’m the one standing in my way of feeling good again.  I’m the one that just can’t get it together.

Sure, I could blame it on my kid leaving and not talking to me.  I could blame it on stress, on my health, whatever…. but honestly, it’s me.  The problem is that when I think about it or try and take control, I let my mind get in the way and my depression takes over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Am I alone in this?  Am I the only one who just can’t seem to get out of her own way when it comes to being happy?  I feel like I am, but I know that can’t be true.  I’ve talked to enough people to know that this happens to other people.  That makes me both happy and sad at the same time.

I don’t want others to feel this way, but if they do then maybe I’m not crazy.  Maybe we are all a little crazy…. maybe it doesn’t matter.

One thing I know, I need to get out of my own way.  I just don’t know how to do it yet.  That’s my next goal.  I need to stop thinking of the goals I had a year ago and just focus on one thing…. getting out of my way and letting the work happen.

Maybe if I do that I can finally kick this depression in the buns.

Maybe.

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