I’m Just Me

It has happened a lot recently… I get told I’m too happy or too perky or something. Which is strange to me, because I’m really not always happy.

You know I suffer from depression, but what you may not realize is that I’ve had it my whole life. I just know how to hide my feelings really well. I swear I should get an Oscar sometimes. No wonder I love being a performer! I get to put on another persona for a while.

I can act happy pretty much anytime, and being in jobs that are based on customer service means I have to put on a smile and love on people even if I don’t really want to. So yesterday I got told I was way too happy to be at work. I guess I was faking it pretty good, huh?

Not that I’m truly faking anything, I mean I do like what I do. I like helping people see well and look amazing in their eyewear. I love making other people happy! It does bring me joy! But sometimes I might come off as a little perky, and I think it happens when I’m really not feeling it and have to force it a little.

I wonder sometimes how many others feel like this? Like I’m a sad soul with a happy personality all wrapped up in one, and it’s weird. I don’t even know how to describe it since it’s pretty much been who I am since I was a kid. The more I learn about myself the more strange it gets.

I’m going to be focusing on writing a novel here soon and I’m trying to decide just how personal it’s going to be. I mean, you should write what you know, right? So it will be a bit about me, but I will fictionalize a lot of it. No need to make my family uncomfortable! But yes, some of the stories will be based on things I remember. I’m prepping myself for a wild ride through my mind!

Today is my day off work, which I really need. Time to get organized, get a few things checked off my to-do list and get a nice run in by myself. I would rather run with my friends tonight, but I have rehearsal for band which is at the same time. At least it’s for something else I love, right? I’ve done 8 miles this week and plan for 6 on Saturday, so if I can get in 4 by myself today I’ll be right on track for my goal.

This time of year is difficult for me with the weather so cold and gloomy. Winter isn’t over yet and spring is still quite a way off and I feel the effects of low sunlight! It’s like my depression is intensified and it sucks. I know it won’t last forever, but it’s just something I go through every year. More faking my moods!

Alright, writing this has given me the perfect distraction before I gear up and get ready to tackle my list. Time to gear up and get going!

I’ve pretty much given up on trying to figure myself out. I mean, I know who I am, and for the most part I think I’m a pretty cool person. I’m just a little weird. I can live with that.

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