Liar, Liar…

I’ve been stuck in my head a lot lately, and it’s not a good place to be right now.

See, I like to lie to myself. And those lies are becoming something I can’t ignore. It’s time to STOP lying!

It’s been a year since my health took a turn and I’ve been coming up with excuse after excuse since then about why I can’t do what I was doing before that happened. It’s getting out of hand and I’m not happy with myself.

For about 5 years I was doing better than ever. Eating right, working out daily, I was in pretty decent shape and happy with myself! It only took one year for that to go right out the window. I know what I’m doing, I am just making choices that are not healthy and lying to myself in the process.

Why am I doing this? I’m not exactly sure. I’m no doctor, but I’m sure it has something to do with my lifetime struggle with depression and self-esteem. I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple weeks and I can’t wait to see what she has to say. It might not be what I want to hear, but I know I need to hear it anyway.

Last week I just completely gave up on my workouts. I ran three times, so that was OK, but I didn’t get up for yoga at all. I didn’t eat like I know I should. I get mad at myself, but I keep doing it anyway.

I had to go shopping for new work clothes last week. I’m NOT happy with the sizes I’m having to buy. No, I’m not where I was before I started my fitness journey, but I’m closer than I was and it’s sad. I’m uncomfortable with how I look, how I feel. I’m so sick of myself it’s insane!

But I keep lying to myself. I keep saying it’s OK to be depressed because life is changing so fast. It’s OK because I’m alone a lot and I get bored. You know what…. it’s NOT OK to keep lying to myself and treating my body like this! I need to get a handle on my emotions and my habits and kick my own butt once again!

Sure, it’s easier to lie to myself and let myself become that sloth I used to be. But I didn’t like myself then… and I don’t like myself now. I know better. I’m a much better person because I worked hard to become her. I need to stop letting these lies take front and center.

Yes, I’m getting older. My kids need me less. That just means I can concentrate on ME more instead of them, right? I need to celebrate MY victories along with theirs. I need to focus on what I need!

Time to stop lying to myself. I’ve said this before, but I’ll keep saying it until I actually do it. Then I’ll tell myself again.

Just. Stop. Lying.

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