Classic Over-thinker

I have a huge problem overthinking things. For real, I can make up all sorts of problems that don’t exist and it’s not funny.

It keeps me up at night. It annoys my husband. Heck, it annoys ME!

Lately I’m overthinking what I’m packing for my trip, which isn’t even happening for two more weeks! I’m stressing about getting things done, making sure I don’t forget stuff, that I don’t over-pack…. I know I’ll over-pack, I always do.

I’m also overthinking about stuff that I can’t control. I think that’s the most annoying part about this problem.

I guess I’m writing about this just to tell my story, I have no idea how to stop or change myself. I’m not asking for sympathy either, I’ve been like this my whole life. I’ll get through it and I’ll move forward like life does, but I think my friend losing her nephew compounded my own anxiety this last week.

Speaking of which, they are laying him to rest today. I won’t be going to the funeral as it’s during my work day, but also because I really don’t know his parents or siblings. There will likely be hundreds there. You should see the amount of stuffed animals they have already gathered to donate to the hospital that worked so hard to try and save Carter! I’ll be making a donation myself, it’s a great cause.

In the meantime I’ll be working a lot this week trying to save myself some money for my upcoming trip! It’s getting closer and I can’t wait! One thing I’ve been overthinking about as well, whether I’ll bring my laptop with me or not. I think I may leave it home, which means I may not post here for a week, but I’ll have so much to talk about when I get home! Plus, I can post from my phone, it’s just a pain to type that way!

Anyway… it’s Monday. I’ve got a busy week planned and I really need to get moving to make it successful! Next week there’s a holiday and the week after I travel! I got this!

Time to stop overthinking and get to work!


Sleeping Weather

I don’t think I’m the only one, but I love it when it rains while I sleep. It’s not because I don’t want it to rain during the day, although that may be true as well, but there is something so soothing to hearing the rain on the roof while I’m safe and sound in bed.

This morning as I was waking up it was raining pretty nicely outside. I did not want to get out of bed! Of course, I don’t have much choice, but it was comforting somehow.

I do wish I could continue that amazing sleepy feeling, but it’s time to get up and face my day.

Do you like rainy nights as well?

Keep It Simple

Sometimes when I’m depressed I get overwhelmed with stuff. It’s like I feel things more deeply than I should or something. If something goes wrong I take it personally. It’s not rational, it’s just anxiety rearing it’s ugly head.

Last week was pretty tough on me, and it’s just continued. The hardest thing is that what I’ve been the most emotional about isn’t even happening to me, but I’m having a hard time processing it.

When I started at the office where I work almost 15 years ago I became a part of a work family that I will cherish forever. We have laughed and worked and cried together, have been through many good times and bad. Weddings, births, deaths… you name it, we are there for each other.

One of my dear work friends has had a tragedy happen in their family. Her older brother has five kids, including a set of adorable twin boys who are now 13 (I so remember them being born!). Last week, while they were just playing like they always do, Carter had a seizure. After some surgery to relieve pressure in the brain, days in a medically induced coma, Carter passed away on Tuesday. A week after the incident.

There are no words for how devastating this is for their family. I grieve with them. As a mom I can’t even imagine. Just at a loss of words, which is strange for me. I’ve been praying for his miracle all week, it came as God called him home. Not exactly what we were hoping for, but that’s how it is sometimes. We don’t always get what we want, we get what God wants for us. Does it make sense? Not always. But it doesn’t have to, does it. We move on.

So today I’m going to keep it simple. I’m going to keep this in front of me this week as I am still in a bit of a pit and need to dig myself out. My to-do list will be to count my blessings, practice kindness, be productive yet calm, let go of what I can’t control, just breathe, tell my family how much I love them, and make a difference in someone’s life.

Simple. That’s what I need to focus on this week. It’s so easy for me to want to try and fix things and get even more overwhelmed. Today’s focus might just be to just breathe. That’s a good start.

I Don’t Drink Coffee

Sorry I was so quiet last week. To be honest, it was a really tough week and I was having trouble sleeping and waking up early was not happening.

I don’t need to share all the gory details, but there are a lot of people in my life suffering with illness, struggling with elderly parents, and some with unthinkable tragedies happening and it seems like it’s all hitting me at once.

I do realize that other people’s problems aren’t really my problems, but when I care about someone and they are hurting, I hurt too. I’m an empathetic person who also has anxiety. It’s just how it is.

I can’t stop thinking of what my friends and family are going through. I can help worrying about everyone. All of this takes a toll on me mentally and physically.

So today is Monday once again. I haven’t worked out in almost two weeks. I’m planning to run with my group at least twice this week… so we will see if I can manage to put together anything more than that. At this point I’m taking life day by day as much as I can. Being chronically exhausted isn’t helping my fitness goals.

But all this has also lead to me neglecting this space for a few days, and that needs to end. I need this outlet for my own sanity. So I’ll work on getting my crap together again.

It’s time to get ready for work. I’m not mentally ready, but that really doesn’t matter, does it? For some reason I have to have the kinds of jobs that start at a certain time, no matter what I think of it some days!

Time to find some caffeine. I’m all out, but I think it’s going to be a green tea at work kind of day. Let’s hope those tea bags are stocked up!

Back To Reality

I had the last 9 days off work with my husband. We got a lot done around the house, visited my Aunt and Uncle, relaxed a bit and attended a wedding. Overall not bad for us and the weather was amazing!

But today it’s back to reality for both of us. Yippee!

Truthfully, we both enjoy our work. It’s not all that bad, but just having to go back is always an adjustment.

I only set my alarm one time in nine days. That was because I had an appointment at the chiropractor and didn’t want to miss it. It still was later than I usually set any alarm.

Today my alarms started going off early once again. I didn’t listen to them for a while, but still…. they were there.

I didn’t sleep well last night, probably because I was worried I wouldn’t get up in time, but it’s also no shock to me as sleep can be elusive for many reasons these days. I’m sure after getting lots of sleep last week I will be fine for one day.

After a nice vacation, are you happy to get back to reality? I guess I’m pretty normal that I would love to stay on vacation for the rest of my life, but in order to pay all those bills to keep me in a nice home and having stuff like food I suppose it’s back to work!

And that’s OK.

I don’t have to be overjoyed about it though, right???

No, Right??

I know it’s not rational, depression never is, but sometimes I feel like I don’t have the right to be depressed when so many people have it worse than me.

I mean, I have a family and lots of friends who love me. I have a husband who has stood by me and supported me for 28 years. I have jobs that make me feel needed and cared for. I have a roof over my head and food on my table.

What right do I have to be depressed?

Well, it doesn’t work like that. If you suffer from it, you know it doesn’t work like that one little bit.

Depression is an internal struggle with your own brain. It’s not rational. It does not make sense. It makes you feel like you are the most unworthy person in the world.

Just so you know, I’m not suicidal. I want you all to understand that you don’t need to come and make sure I’m still here. I plan to fight this with every fiber of my being! I have felt good before and I want to — and I will — get there again!

I say this very seriously, because there are many people out there feeling like dying is the only answer, but at this time that is NOT where I am. If I was I would be on the phone or walking into a clinic or hospital because I do not want to die.

**** If you are feeling that overwhelming urge to end your life, I beg you to pick up the phone and call someone. If you don’t have a friend or family member nearby, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 right now. I’m completely serious… I don’t want anyone to think the only way out of what you’re feeling is to end it all. Please, I beg you to give them the opportunity to help you!

Ok, so we are clear, I am personally not suicidal, so I don’t want anyone to think that. I’ve been there before, but that is not where I am today.

I’m going to be totally honest in that it took me several days to finish this post. I’ve been on vacation, so I’m sure I could blame it on that, but that’s not the reason. It took me so long because this is HARD crap to talk about.

But I know as well as you that there are MILLIONS of us out there doing the best we can each and every day but we are depressed.

Depression doesn’t always look like what you think it does in the movies. It doesn’t always look like she hasn’t showered in three days or eaten or cleaned in at least as many. Sometimes, sure it does, but not always.

Sometimes it looks like I tried and I put makeup on and I went to work and I put my paycheck in the bank and I even socialized for a while today. That doesn’t mean I’m less depressed, it just means I functioned today. Which some days makes me feel worse because I was able to fake it once again.

Sometimes I feel like I just have no right to be depressed. But I am and I can’t change who I am. I can, however, make improvements in my life and seek out some help when I need it.

I’m a person suffering with depression, but I won’t let it control me. I won’t let it take over my life and take away all of my happiness.

No matter what may trigger your depression, know that it’s OK to feel how you feel. Just don’t let it take over your life! Don’t let that feeling be the one and only! Seek out some help, enlist your friends and family, but TALK about it!

You have every right to feel how you feel. You don’t have the obligation to feel that way forever! Depression is just one facet to my personality. It makes me who I am, but it doesn’t have to control me. Be you, but be your best you. I’m working on that every single day.

Let’s battle this sucker together.

My Daily Struggle

A lot of people in my life may not even realize what I struggle with every day. I know my husband doesn’t get it, even though he got a really good dose of it the other day.

I manage my anxiety and depression pretty well most of the time. I love to help others because it makes me happy. I have people in my life who keep me busy and moving which also helps.

This week I’m on vacation with my hubby and we have lots of projects to keep us busy, but for some reason my symptoms are on high alert. It’s been a rough week and it’s only half done. But I won’t give up on it. I’m ready to have some fun.

I had a full blown panic attack the other day. I don’t need to go into what brought it on, truly it’s all such petty stuff that it’s embarrassing, but that’s what anxiety does sometimes. It takes a piece of nothing and blows it into a full blown volcano of emotion.

I’m telling you all this because as embarrassing as it is sometimes, I just feel like it’s important that people understand that ANYONE can suffer from mental illness. I’m someone who thinks she can handle things and does so pretty well most of the time. Then something happens and triggers my anxiety and BANG! I’m a basket case. I know it’s probably past time that I need to find a new psychologist or whatever, but that’s never a fun process.

I had seen someone in the past, but haven’t been for a while. I’ve been handling my symptoms for years, but with all the medical issues and menopause crap I’m dealing with, it’s really no wonder I’m feeling like falling apart at times.

Dealing with these issues instead of hiding them is really the point of this post. I’ve told my doctor that my depression is pretty bad, but until the other night I didn’t realize how much my anxiety was bothering me. I had a panic attack like I’ve never had before and it’s still effecting me a few days later.

I’m not embarrassed that it happened, I want you to understand that. I’m not ashamed to say I have this problem. It’s part of me. It’s who I am. Sure, there are times when it really messes with my life. I’d love to turn it off, but it doesn’t work like that.

Even when it’s managed, I will always have it. I get that. I’d just like to not repeat that particular episode anytime soon. Or ever. That would be good.

I need to go get my workout done. I need to get in a good mood today. I need to help my husband finish the projects so we can enjoy the remaining few days of our vacation.

Honestly, all of that just gives me anxiety.

I want to just stay in bed and hide from the world.

What could possibly go wrong with that???

My anxiety already answered me….